H: And then you get hit by that bus...

So it's been over a year since our last blog posts. Life has been extremely busy for the tribe and has had a fair share of ups and downs. Last March I underwent surgery on my back to remove a disc prolapse compressing my sciatic nerve. Fast forward a few months, I was recovering well and I had just made a mad decision; to finally embark on a journey with a foal, a dream I've had for many years but never felt it was the right time. So Spring brought with it joy, recovery, excitement and I felt like this was a new beginning. We had our boys, and I had the best possible Mum for my new baby girl.

Until all our worlds got turned upside down in the summer: Our stead-fast, hardy mare with a will stronger than any horse I've ever known, our cuddly pony Spice started to deteriorate rapidly. She’d done two more winters than the vets thought she would, but arthritis was starting to take over and I dreaded receiving phonecalls from Kate, with the fear that our little girl was in pain. One evening I had one those and my tough girl had lost her light, she could barely walk and was having to have the boys at the yard help her up from a roll. We had to make the heartbreaking decision; to say Goodbye. 

Everyone says it's the hardest decision you'll ever make, but you never realise just how bad it's going to be until it touches you. I'd never before been in such a position; I was battling with my own personal need to see her, be with her and just have her presence in my life, with the crippling fear that I was going to be too late and cause her unnecessary hurt. I had always promised myself that I would never let her suffer; that I owed her more than that. So here your faced with a life or death decision for real, for one of your closest companions, a member of your family, who can only communicate with body language, which over the eight years I shared my life with her, I came to know so well.   I have my friend Kate to thank so much, for not only helping me come to the decision, but also to come to terms with it. 

The pain from that day will live with me forever, I questioned myself, have I done the right thing? Was it the right time? I've just lost a huge part of my life and my heart. But then time starts to pass and your realise that she had a way of telling us when it was the right time, she is now free. The beauty of being part of a herd is that we were all able to heal together, Kate and I had one another to talk to and cry with and Russia and Drift had each other, to grieve with, to heal with, and they did. And we did. Her spirit, her fight, her strength and her unwillingness to change her mind taught me how horses could be as set on their own path as us. Spice was not a horse that could be bullied into things, once her mind was set that was it, and 100 miles an hour of pure pony strength saw to that. The only way was to join her on her path and enjoy the journey.

She was the first horse to allow me the privilege to sit on her at liberty in her space, her field. And boy what an eye opener; this horse that we stopped riding because she was so tense and stressed by it, it exasperated her arthritis; allowed me to jump up and share in her peacefulness in the field. No tack, no ropes, no force, just connection based on mutual respect, and this taught me another lesson; less is always more when it comes to control. The more you trust, the more you can ever imagine they will give in return. The sheer joy and love I felt in that moment, was inspiring and liberating and I thank her for being a great partner and teacher. I miss her everyday, but I can look back now with only the most wonderful memories of a truly special girl. I love and miss her more than I can describe...

How lucky I am to have had something, that made saying Goodbye so hard...